Monday 29 August 2011

YouTube Transcriptions: JeremyJahns' 'Our Idiot Brother' Review

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hY8fGh4UnhE&feature=mh_lolz&list=HL1314666908


"A Dramedy with stoner Jesus.  Awesome.

‘Our Idiot Brother’: So I’d heard a lot of good things about ‘Our Idiot Brother’; I heard it was like this revolutionary Comedy, but for me it was a Dramedy.  Actually, it wasn’t even a Dramedy; it was like a Drama with some comedy in it.  Like, a couple of scenes.  That’s it!  I mean, I just didn’t relate to this movie at all!  Probably because all the characters in this movie, I see on a daily basis.  Like, someone took Seattle, turned it upside down, shook it like a pepper shaker – whatever fell out, those were the characters in this movie.  I mean, you got douchebag painters and artists.  Really pretentious independent film makers who think they’re better than everyone else, so they can make their little documentary that’s gonna be shown to like NYU students on one day ever.  You know, the people who are like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about; this movie’s tour de force; a ???? performance; an ???? …This isn’t Starbucks; Starbucks: too mainstream”.  So, yeah, just not my thing.  I mean, I thought Paul Rudd was really good in the movie.  Like, Paul Rudd in the movie is so naïvely nice.  He’s like Steve Carell in ‘Dinner for Schmucks’, but not as annoying.  I mean, he’s really brutally honest; not for the sake of being brutal, but just ’cause he’s honest.  He doesn’t see the darker side of reality like ever.  It was really good to see him like steal the show; he’s like Steve Carell in ‘The Office’; how you’re like, “Dude, this is his role”.  That was Paul Rudd in this movie and I was glad to see it.  But for me, one character in a really slow Drama’s not enough to make up for the entire movie.  But this movie was marketed wrong.  Everything I’ve seen markets this movie as a Comedy.  It’s not; it’s a Drama.  I mean, this last summer we had ‘Crazy Stupid Love’.  That was a really good Drama Comedy.  It had characters I liked; it was well-written; I thought it was interesting; it was funny and dramatic – it had everything for me.  ‘Our Idiot Brother’ was a slow Drama with a couple of funny parts.  You can’t really come off of ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ into that.  There were a couple of funny parts and a couple of parts I really did like.  There was this one scene near the end where Paul Rudd says something; I was like, “Dude, I was glad to see that”.  Actually, the last ten minutes of the movie, I liked a lot.  But the other hour and a half…not my thing.  And so this movie is…a TOUR DE FORCE.  And by that I mean long, boring, drawn-out, and dull.  But Paul Rudd was good.  I’m just sayin’.  So, yeah, the movie disappointed me.  Don’t know what to say.  So, as for you guys, what’s your favourite Drama slash Comedy?  What’s your favourite Dramedy as it were?  Comment below; let me know!  And if you like what you’ve seen here and you wanna see more, click right here to see more!"

Friday 26 August 2011

YouTube Transcriptions: JeremyJahns' 'Don't Be Afraid of the Dark' Review


“Once again things go bump in the night, and once again…they make a movie about it.

‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’!  Although, you probably should be if you have a creepy uncle.  All right, so I never saw a trailer to this movie, so I didn’t know what to expect, but ‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’ stars Guy Pearce, Katie Holmes, and some little girl.  And they live in this really big creepy a** house, like Malfoy Manor or somethin’, and of course there are things in which you should probably be afraid of the dark.  For me, the beginning of this movie is like the creepiest part.  There is this really creepy guy – takes place in the year like 1800 somethin’ – but this creepy guy does something, dude.  I was like, “Aw, God, can’t watch”.  It was pretty cringe-worthy and it happened at the very beginning; no part in this movie was ever as good as that.  So it’s kinda just downhill from there.  But seriously, though, it was like bite the curb in ‘American History X’ – noo.  And when things go bump in the night, it’s one of three things: either a crazy guy, a ghost, or a little creature.  Without giving it away too much, this one’s a little creature; it’s not a ghost.  At this point in my life, once I see what goes bump in the night, it loses me.  I’m like, “Oh, I already know now; it’s not creepy”.  The couple parts I did jump at, it was because of jump scares.  You know how I hate those.  Movies should not rely on jump scares; this does.  Not to say these little things aren’t creepy little b******s.  I’m just sayin’ they’re not creepy to an adult.  It’s like, I can guarantee you, if a kid sees this movie, they’re gonna be scared s***less.  If I saw this as a kid, I wouldn’t sleep for years.  But since I didn’t, I’m gonna go to bed tonight and I’m just gonna sleep like a baby.  Actually, correction, I’m gonna stay up all night, but not because I’m scared!  Because I need to go to Pax in the morning and I’m just not gonna sleep.  Shut up, it’s not because I’m scared.  And it concentrates a lot on the relationship between Katie Holmes and this little girl. You know – step mom–daughter kinda s***.  But you don’t care; you just wanna see the little Vermicious Knids or whatever scare the s*** out of this kid.  But when it happens, it’s just not scary.  So it’s like this is a scary movie that will only scare kids, but if parents take their kids to see this movie, they’re a**holes!  They are s*** people!  Couple of intense scenes, though.  Couple of times, you’re like, “Oh, dude!”  So in the end, I will say…it’s all right, but you’re not gonna remember it in t-minus…one night.  Which we’ll see – if I do sleep at night and I do get creeped out if I’m thinking about this movie, I’ll put an annotation right there saying, “Yes, Jeremy was creeped out”.  Then again, I do videos at night and sleep during the day, so.  I feel like I’m a bad example.  When you were a kid, what creeped the living s*** outta you?  Comment below; let me know!  For me, it was the ‘Bumble’ from ‘Rudolph’.  Look at that dude – scared the living p**s outta me.  How did they think that was OK for a kid to watch?  Seriously.  In any case, if you like what you’ve seen here and you wanna see more, click right here to see more!”

YouTube Transcriptions: JeremyJahns' 'Conan the Barbarian' Review

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvLZrdBF2F4


“I’m back from California and my first act: go see ‘Conan’.  I got nothin’.

‘Conan the Barbarian’ or ‘Conan the Barbarian’, whatever.  I’m gonna call it ‘Conan’, whatever.  Conan’s pretty straight-forward; there’s this really evil guy doing evil guy things and Conan’s gonna stop him.  That description – more coherent than the actual movie.  I dunno what it is about this movie; it seems like a really s****y video game movie that never happened.  To be specific, it’s the ‘Zelda’ movie that never happened, and I’m glad it didn’t.  There’s a really evil ambitious guy who’s really nobody in the world, and he makes an impression on this really fearless kid when he’s really young.  Flash forward years later – the really ambitious guy is now a really ambitious warlord.  He’s more powerful ’n’ all that.  And the fearless kid is now a fearless man.  And ‘Ganondorf’ over here is looking for this really pure chick so he can like do his evil things and rule the world.  I’m telling you, guys, a gamer wrote this movie who doesn’t know how to write movies.  I mean, the plot and pacing is just all over the place!  It does what I hate, and I’ve b****ed about it before, is that ever scene in this movie’s an isolated scene; it doesn’t lead into the next scene.  I mean, they’ll be in a town; next scene they’re in captivity; next scene they’re on a boat; next scene they’re in the woods.  It’s just…arghh.  As for ‘Conan’ the character, I thought he was all right, but I don’t know that Conan’s actually a Barbarian.  I really don’t.  I have seen the actor who plays ‘Conan’ in a Barbarian role.  He was called ‘Drogo’ in ‘Game of Thrones’.  That was a Barbarian.  Seeing him in this,’s like, “All right, well you’re just a likable guy that they want to be a Barbarian, but you’re not a Barbarian”.  If ‘Conan the Barbarian’ strolled into my territory in 'Civilization 5', I’d be like, “You know what?  You’re all right.  You’re a Barbarian and I’m not gonna wipe you out.  In fact, I’m not gonna go into the options and turn Barbarians off ’cause I like you”.  …I don’t know.  And the chick in this movie is like the dumbest character ever.  I always liked the actress – I don’t know why; maybe it’s because she’s hot – but she’s always in these s****y movies that I know she’s better than that.  I hope.  All right, here it is; one of the many scenes I have a problem with in this movie: ‘Conan the Barbarian’ goes onto this beach (and, you know, they’re docked at a cliff or somethin’).  She chases after him; next scene they start making out and they’re in this random cabin, with a convenient pile of hay on the ground that they can bang on.  Where’d this cabin come from, seriously?  And, after that, this woman is the most wanted woman on Earth by the bad guys.  If the bad guys get her, it’s done; it’s over.  She does the thing where she sneaks out of the cabin without waking him up; runs on the beach; next scene she’s in the middle of the woods.  Not on the beach woods, but, like, you know, Nottingham Forest woods.  And of course she gets captured, which she’d think was gonna happen.  And I-I don’t even know about the end fight.  I mean, earthquakes are happening; Conan’s throwing down with ‘Ganondorf’.  And then earthquakes aren’t happening and the place isn’t crumbling and then it is again and it’s not.  Ever play ‘Smoke and Fire’ with cards?  You know, like, “Smoke, smoke, fire”.  It’s like someone did that to the storyboard of ‘Conan the Barbarian’.  They’re like, “All right, we’re gonna play the movie out as it is on the ground”.  That’s not a joke; I think that actually happened.  Is ‘Conan the Barbarian’ dogs***?  Yeah.  It is.  Why’d I sound like Mark Wahlberg just then?  And the 3D is converted 3D; I heard it was actually 3D – that they shot it in 3D – but I was watching it and I was like, “No, it’s not”.  Then I looked into it and sure enough, it is not.  Reason 151, it’s ‘Slash of the Titans, Part 2’.  So don’t see it.  Why would you?  See ‘The Help’; see ‘Fright Night’; see Apes.  In any case, if you like what you’ve seen here and you wanna see more, click right here to see more!  Why’d I look like Nicolas Cage when I did that?  “In any…” I-I dunno.”

Wednesday 24 August 2011

YouTube Transcriptions: LGBT It Gets Better Project (Celebrities 3)

Chris Colfer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RKmnAJ3ZWM&NR=1
Chris Colfer: Hi, I'm Chris Colfer. In the last couple of weeks, a number of LGBT youth have tragically taken their own lives due to some ugly circumstances of their environments. If you or anyone you know are also having a rough time, it is vital that you know that there are people out there who care and can help. I know what it's like to be bullied and teased every single day, and I know that it may seem like there's no chance of happiness left, but I promise you there is a world full of acceptance and love just waiting for you to find it. So, please, before you take a drastic action that could be your last, call the Trevor Project. Know that you have friends; you are loved, and that you are not alone. And know that despite such a current challenging time, there's so much to look forward to. And I look forward to sharing it with you. I promise, it gets so much better. Thank you.


Daniel Radcliffe
Daniel Radcliffe: The Trevor Project is the leading national organisation focused on crisis and suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth. If you're feeling helpless or hopeless, there's always a safe place to turn. Call the Trevor helpline at 866-4-U-TREVOR. It's free, and confidential, and you can talk to someone 24 hours a day. Or, visit the website at thetrevorproject.org Be proud of who you are.


Various actors and singers
Anne Hathaway: It gets better
Jenny McCarthy: It gets better
???? : It gets better
Michael Chiklis: It gets better
Candice Accola: It gets better
Ian Somerhalder: There's hope and there's help
Jenny McCarthy: People are here for you – people who care and understand
Greg Grunberg: It may be the darkest time in the world for you, but you need to understand that there is hope. There is always hope and there is always help
Anne Hathaway: If you or a friend are feeling lost and lonely, there's someone who can help
Erika Jayne: It's called The Trevor Project
Shay Mitchell: A confidential, totally free 24 hour suicide hotline for gay and questioning youth
Kristin Cavallari: If you're being bullied in school, you're not alone; don't give up
Julie Benz: Please talk to your school advisers or call The Trevor Project
Katerina Graham: If you want to talk to someone – without judgement – call The Trevor Project
Rex Lee: A confidential, totally free 24 hour suicide hotline for gay and questioning youth
Anne Hathaway: There is hope, and there is help. Call The Trevor Project
Candice Accola: Call The Trevor Project
Ashley Roberts: Call The Trevor Project
Jenny McCarthy: Call The Trevor Project
Rex Lee: Call The Trevor Project
Kristin Cavallari: Call The Trevor Project

YouTube Transcriptions: LGBT It Gets Better Project (Celebrities 2)

Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber: Hey, guys, I'm Justin Bieber. I just wanted to say there's nothing cool about being a bully. And if you're getting bullied, make sure to tell someone, and, you know, it gets better. And if you're a bystander, make sure to step in and, you know, help out.
 


Danny Miller: Hello, my name's Danny Miller, and I play 'Aaron' on 'Emmerdale'. Er, just a quick message, just to say that, for all the people out there that obviously are gay or lesbian or whatever you might be, you're your own person and that's all that should matter. It shouldn't matter what sexuality you have, or, you know, whatever it may be, you are your own person. It gets better today; we can make this happen.



 Jewel
Jewel: Hey, everybody.  I am Jewel, and, er, I wanted to take a minute to talk about the It Gets Better...initiative that's going on out there.  The recent rash of suicides are really, really ta-tragic, because nobody should feel bad about themselves for how they're born... Er...   My gosh, I have so many stories; I don't know even where to begin.  My, er...  I guess I'm kinda like that girl on 'Glee'; my very first crush was my gay best friend.  I kinda fell in love with him because he smelled good and he was a nice dresser, and he was the only guy that was really nice and really kind, and, er...we both kind of had difficult childhoods and I guess we just sort of related to each other, but...as it was, he was gay and it wasn't mean to be for me and him, but...  I remember, er, his story was really amazing because he, er...came out to his parents and his parents kicked him out and they wouldn't talk to him, so he was in tenth grade and he started supporting himself.  And, er, got an apartment and got a job and was working, you know, two jobs and trying to go to high school full time.  And it was really difficult.  I had another friend that said I wa - he wouldn't be friends with me if I kept being friends with my gay friend.  Erm, which of course I chose my gay friend over the other guy.  But...I'm really happy now, like, to live in a society that's starting to get a little bit more accepting, but it's not enough, and there isn't enough progress, but. It breaks my heart to think that anybody would wanna take their own life for how they are. It's totally fine and it's OK and you're beautiful exactly how you are. And  I just don't want you to ever let anybody take your light or take your shine away. For me, the - your greatest burdens are also your greatest gifts. And the things that you have to overcome ended - end up becoming your greatest gift and your greatest asset. All of my gay, lesbian, transgendered friends are some of the kindest, most compassionate people I know because of what they go through on a daily basis. And they usually, too, have the best sense of humour because we all need humour to survive. Erm, and it does get better. I can't even tell you how much it gets better. Erm...it really, really, really does. It's a very temporary thing; er, adolescence. And you can really have any kind of life that you choose, and, er, you get to make those choices. So you just gotta hang on until you can have the freedom to do that. And, er, until then, just be loud and be proud. I love you for it; you should love you for it. It gets better.

Monday 22 August 2011

YouTube Transcriptions: LGBT It Gets Better Project (Celebrities)

The It Gets Better Project involves a YouTube channel on which celebrities and laymen have contributed videos of support for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people.  As a result of recent adolescent suicides by younger people who were teased for being lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, the project is particularly aimed at the younger generation.

Jane Lynch and partner Laura Embry:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BGtS_sedUk
Laura: Go ahead.
Jane: Hi, I'm Jane, and I'm from Chicago.
Laura: Hi, I'm Laura, and I'm from Birmingham, Alabama.
Jane: I, er, realised I was gay when I was about twelve, and, erm, I thought it was a disease and I had it.
Laura: Yeah. I realised I was gay when I was fourteen and, erm, Martina Navratilova got outed, and I, then I found out there was such a thing -
Jane: As being gay. Me too. Erm, in high school I had one gay friend, although we never spoke of it. I'm sure there were other gay people in my high school – I was on the basketball team, for God's sake, but I really felt alone in it.
Laura: Yeah. I knew there were a couple of kids in my school. Erm... One really, who was kind of open about being really tom-boyish, and everybody kind of assumed that she was gay...but, er, for me it was...scary.
Jane: Me too, it made me feel alone, because, erm...I felt I had this deep dark secret that nobody shared and it had to stay a deep dark secret, and I wish that I had known that if I hang in there, things would get better. And today I can say that things do definitely get better. Things changed for me when I started, erm, acting in the theatre. I love acting; I love being in plays, and it's teaming with gay people, and I started to see that being gay is just another way of loving.
Laura: Er...yeah, it changed for me when I got out of Alabama and, er, ran away to Smith College and saw t -
Jane: That turns everybody gay
Laura: Yeah, well
Jane: Girls.
Laura: Most of 'em.  Erm...but you saw that you could live a different way. Or I saw that I could live a different way. I saw that people could, erm...not just accept or tolerate, but celebrate being gay. And, er, make a party out of it. You know?  
Jane: Yeah, and so I think for those of you out there who are suffering and feel so all alone that you can't tell your family – and I understand that too; sometimes telling your family is just not great advice – hang in there. Hang in there and know that there are people in this world who love you for who you are, and that there's nothing wrong with who you are. And, erm, and when you get old enough to make your choices of where you wanna be, come and join us in the real world here – we love you; we accept you; we want you to stick around long enough to enjoy the life that we have together.
Laura: Yeah. You have to know that your, your life will change and that you have the ability to make it change. You have the ability to make a decision about where you're gonna be able to spend time; who you're gonna spend your time with. Erm...of course, that's after high school!
Jane: Yeah, high school's tough!
Laura: Yeah, you gotta...hang in there for high school, and then you get to choose a lot of things and make your life better. It doesn't just get better; you get to make it better.
Jane: Yep.
Laura: And the more open you are with yourself and with other people, as you get older, the better you'll feel. It won't be so scary.
Jane: And it feels really bad right now, and I wish I could reach out and give you a hug and tell you, “it gets better”.
Laura: Yeah. It gets way better.
Jane: Yeah, way better – look what I found!
Laura: Yeah!



Cast of 'Burlesque' (Cher, Stanley Tucci, Christina Aguilera, and Cam Gigandet)
Cher: You think when you're young that's what it's gonna be.
Interviewer: Right.
Cher: But everything changes like after sc...like, school is the least part of your life. And everyone is stupid and going through all kinds of changes and people are... I mean, it seems like it should be better now. You know, it seems like it should be a lot better now.
Interviewer (off-screen): Right.
Cher: And people should be much more free; much more open; much more, erm, willing to accept what's going on. I just don't understand; we should be going the opposite way. We, I mean -
Stanley Tucci: But don't you think it's a reaction to...don't you think it's a reaction to...to a more open society in a sense that as the society starts to...starts to, er, create new freedoms and people start to feel more comfortable coming out -
Interviewer (off-screen): Right.
Stanley Tucci: - that there is gonna be a reaction to that. Like, an equal reaction to that.
Interviewer (off-screen): Right.
Stanley Tucci: And the equal reaction would be the bullying.
Interviewer (off-screen): Right.
Stanley Tucci: Because things are supposed to stay like this, under the surface, but they don't, so there has to be a reaction to it.
Interviewer (off-screen): Right.
Stanley Tucci: It, it will get better – it will get better – it will change; it will, you know, but this is a reaction to it.
Cher: Right, but there's...bullying is a trend for all, for everyone. I don't get that trend, but it seems to me that...maybe we're a less...nice generation. You know? Maybe we're a less kind – what's coming up is less kind. I mean, you see it on reality shows. The paparazzi is much worse, you know? There, there's a lot of things that are going on that I, I don't get it, but I, I've seen it.

Christina Aguilera: Well, I definitely am in favour of, of, you know, erm...you know, all for gay rights for a very long time now.
Interviewer (off-screen): Right.
Christina Aguilera: Also through my, you know, creative efforts and musical expressions...and, er, you know I think in any case, you know, erm...your individuality is the most important thing and you have to be able to rise above anything, you know. I for one grew up being bullied myself and it's not fun; it's, it's, it's a, it's a terrible thing and you just have to try and find who your support system is and if, and if, er, you can surround yourself with any positive people and, er
Interviewer (off-screen): Right.
Christina Aguilera: You just have to keep going and, erm, you know, it just, er, you know, it-it –
Interviewer: And it gets better.
Christina Aguilera: - helps word to spread and –
Cam Gigandet: And it gets better.
Interviewer (off-screen): Yeah.
Christina Aguilera: And it gets better.
Christina Aguilera: Obviously it got better for me!
Cam Gigandet: And something to say to the bullies...you just tell the bullies to f*** off.
Christina Aguilera: There you go. Well put.


Janet Jackson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qtk48phFK7c
Janet Jackson: Hi, this is Janet Jackson, and I wanna to speak to all the young people who mean so much to me. I know that sometimes life can seem insurmountable, especially during your teen years. And if you're lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, you're probably thinking you're all alone, but you're not. There is a world of acceptance waiting for you. I can relate because I was one of those kids that internalised everything. I held everything inside; all of my pain, and I didn't release it – I wasn't able to let it go – until I finally met that person that I could trust and who was truly willing to listen. If you've been a target of bullying, tell a trusted adult. And if you're feeling depressed, lonely, or suicidal, contact The Trevor Project at 866-4-U-TREVOR. It gets better.

Sunday 21 August 2011

YouTube Transcriptions: JeremyJahns' 'The Help' Review


“Good old Mississippi.  It’s everything I remember it being...from every other movie that takes place in Mississippi! 

‘The Help’: So ‘The Help’ stars Emma Stone and it takes place in Mississippi – a place made famous by Mark Twain and blatant racism.  And Emma Stone, she’s a writer, and she’s not like the other, you know, uppity chicks of Mississippi.  Mainly Bryce Dallas Howard, which is funny ’cause you think to yourself, “Ah, the battle of the Gwen Stacys”.  Emma Stone sees how house maids are treated down there, and Emma Stone’s like “Ehhhh…this is bull****; they don’t get treated like people”.  And it’s totally true!  I mean they get paid like a hundred bucks a month to cook and clean after White people.  Which sucks because, I mean, we’re really sloppy people.  We’re messy, we’re needy.  I would never take that job, like ever in a million years.  And it’s not just one of those “work sucks” kind of scenarios; I mean, they’re actually abused.  They’re mentally abused, they’re belittled; they have to use different bathrooms.  So you’re like, “I like the depiction of the 60’s better in ‘X Men: First Class’”.  And no one ever does anything about it or says anything about it because it’s actually illegal to print anything that says, “White people and Black people are actually equals”.  And so Emma Stone’s like, “You know what?  Their story should be published and told; I’m gonna write about them so people know”.  I mean, after all, as a wise man once said, “We must all make the choice between what is right and what is easy” – Albus Dumbledore (and probably a few other people who were actually real).  It’s gonna make her a lot of enemies, yeah, but it’s gonna make her a few friends too.  Now, I really like this movie.  I didn’t think I would ’cause I heard the movie was just about some chick who writes about other chicks, and I was just like, “I’m not gonna relate to this movie at all”.  But it’s really not an accurate description of the movie.  I liked this movie because of what I hate – ‘n’ I hate apathy.  I hate it when people just sit by and just watch *****y things happen to people.  I mean, just take action.  People don’t take action as much as you think they probably should.  So Emma Stone’s like, “You know what?  I’m gonna be the person that takes action”.  And I like that.  Immediately I’m like, “All right, I’m into this movie”.  It’s a well-written movie; it’s a well acted movie; the characters I really like too.  ’Cause one of the house maids that Emma Stone befriends, she’s really nice; she’s really quiet.  She’s the first one that’s kinda like, “All right, I’ll tell you my story as long as you never tell anyone I told you”.  It is Mississippi in the 60’s.  That’s not exactly paradise.  And the other one Emma Stone befriends, she is the one; she’ll tell you how it is.  And she can’t keep her mouth shut, so she usually gets fired.  I liked her; she was awesome.  Now although you can’t say this movie is bad at all – ’cause you can’t – you can say it is very long.  When I was watching this movie, I was like, “This is like the kind of movie that high school teachers force their high school students to watch so high school students call that time nap time”.  I mean, it’s a character-based literary period piece – it’s not gonna appeal to everybody.  However, I think those people, in time – like when they’re in their twenties and what not – they’ll appreciate this movie.  You know, when they actually have to think about real world kinda ****.  I mean, it’s funny, because I didn’t think the movie was too long for what it was.  I can’t think of a part in the movie where I’m like, “Oh, that…that clearly dragged on; they should’ve just cut that out”.   So apparently two hours and twenty minutes is what the movie needs to be.  Doesn’t change the fact that it’s a two hour and twenty minute Drama.  And if you’re in high school and your teacher forces you to watch this, and you actually don’t sleep through the class, you’ll actually like it.  So I will say, it’s a good time; no alcohol required.  I mean, I laughed; I got attached to the characters; I…you know, didn’t cry.  Kinda wanted to, though.  It’s touching in parts; I ain’t apologisin’!  So since I have an insane amount of ADD, I’m not gonna jump up to the opportunity to watch a two and a half hour Drama like every day, but I watched it today and I’m glad I did.  So are you gonna see ‘The Help’?  Have you seen ‘The Help’?  Comment below; let me know what you thought about it.  It’s gonna be all chick comments at that point.  ’Cause guys if you didn’t know what ‘The Help’ was; don’t worry, I didn’t until like forty eight hours ago.  In any case, if you like what you’ve seen here and you wanna see more, click right here to see more!”

YouTube Transcriptions: JeremyJahns' '30 Minutes or Less' Review

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z83JrxAm46M&feature=relmfu


“There’s a life lesson in this movie: Sometimes crime…goes bad.  And sometimes movies about crime…oh, yeah, they go bad too. 

‘30 Minutes or Less’.  Now, ‘30 Minutes or Less’ is directed by the guy who directed ‘Zombieland’, so right there I was like, “Awesome!”  And Jesse Eisenberg was also in ‘Zombieland’, so it’s like that guy and Jesse Eisenberg are kinda like DiCaprio and Scorsese only…you know, not like that at all.  And Jesse Eisenberg isn’t really going anywhere in life; he’s a pizza delivery guy.  His friend from ‘Parks and Recreation’, whose name I really don’t know, he has more going for him in life; he’s a substitute teacher.  But really the coolest thing about that is you get summers off, otherwise that job would pretty much suck a** too.  And then you have Danny McBride and his friend, whose name I don’t know.  I don’t know everyone’s name.  Who are also nowhere in life and Danny McBride’s dad is like a millionaire.  So Danny McBride gets the idea from this stripper that he should hire someone to kill his dad so Danny McBride can get his inheritance.  So Danny McBride’s friend makes a bomb which they strap to Jesse Eisenberg’s chest, and so they’re like, “All right, Jesse Eisenberg, you now have ten hours to get us $100 000 so I can hire a hitman to kill my father so I can get my inheritance”.  And if Jesse Eisenberg fails…well, he goes boom.  And then our eighty minute- long movie ensues.  Now, this movie had a ridiculous premise, so I was like, “It’s gonna be hilarious”.  And it’s directed by the guy who directed ‘Zombieland’, so I was like, “It’s gonna be hilarious”.  And the movie…was kinda funny in parts.  It was just so disjointed, like for the first half, it was choppy; didn’t know where it wanted to go.  Or even what kind of movie it wanted to be.  And then in the second half of the movie, it picks up and becomes better.  With forty minutes left in the movie.  But still, it just wasn’t enough.  It’s almost like the guy who wrote this movie was in script writing college and he was struggling; he didn’t know what to do, so he had five room mates, so he just cherry picked from their scripts and he put his script together and now we have this.  And, I don’t know what it is – there’s something about that guy that’s Jesse Eisenberg’s friend; there’s something about his voice, it just annoys me.  I saw him in like one season of ‘Scrubs’ and I was like, “There’s something about that guy…I don’t like him”.  *Speaking with a higher voice* He kind of has this high voice like this.  Eurgh.  Which is funny because some people have said that about me; they’re like, “Dude, there’s something about your voice I hate”.  And if it’s anything like that guy, I’m like “Oh, I get it now, all right; that’s cool”.  One cool thing came out of this movie, though.  The coolest part of the movie is this car chase scene, in which the music playing to it is that 80’s song, ‘The Heat Is On’.  I was like, “Dude, when I get home, I am TOTALLY playing ‘Burn Out’ to that song!”  Which is funny ’cause I came home and I started filming videos.  But I will play ‘Burn Out’ to that song, ’cause it just looks awesome.  Silver lining, people.  We’re looking for a silver lining.  So in the end, it had some funny one-liners and it had a few funny scenes, but the movie was either boring or disjointed or all over the place – all around, just kind of forgettable.  In the end, you’re not gonna remember it in T-Minus…five hours.  That’s the time I’ll give it – five hours.  So, OK, movie fanatics – favourite robbery scene of any movie ever?  Could be robbing anything, doesn’t matter. Comment below; let me know.  And, as always, if you like what you’ve seen here and you wanna see more, click right here to see more!”

YouTube Transcriptions: JeremyJahns' 'Fright Night' Review

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZ08Olce8Ug

“Why do I look like a zombie vampire lovechild who sounds like he’s losing his voice?  Because I have the worst seasonal allergies of any human being I have ever met in my life.  And, yes, it does suck ass.  However, it might be fitting to review a vampire movie, so…let’s do that.

‘Fright Night’.  All right, so as some of you or all of you may know, I am a big fan of vampire movies.  So when I saw the trailer to this movie, I was like, “All right, we’ll see”.  When I saw Colin Farrell as the vampire in this movie, I was like, “He looks like he’ll be good!”  So ‘Fright Night’s’ the story of Anton Yelchin, who lives in the suburbs, next to his new neighbour named ‘Jerry’; played by Colin Farrell.  And Anton Yelchin’s friend - ‘McLovin’s’ - all like:

“I hate to be the one to tell you this, but, that guy, your neighbour”
“- Jerry –”
“Yeah, he’s a vampire”
“That is a terrible vampire name.  Jerry?”

And it doesn’t take long for Anton Yelchin to actually figure out, yeah, ‘Mclovin’s’ right; ‘Jerry’s’ actually a vampire.  And after that, the two are just ????.  Now, as I said, Colin Farrell was really good as a vampire.  And it’s funny about the guy because he was rising in stardom and then he just went on a coke binge and went away.  But now he’s back as ‘Jerry’ the vampire. 

“Hey”

He was just perfect as, like, you know, the good-looking charming vampire neighbour who is just evil.

“Your mum is a kind of, er, neglect.  Gives off a scent…  And your girl…she’s ripe.”

And when it comes to vampire movies, I’m always like, “All right, do they have the rules in place?”  Can they not come into your house unless you invite ’em?  What about crosses, stakes, sunlight?  And this movie is old school vampire law and I like that.  Sunlight burns ’em; stakes would kill ’em; you can’t come into your house unless you invite ’em.  So it was really cool to see all that stuff.  And David Tennant’s in the movie and he pretty much plays the exact character you think he’s gonna play.  When I saw his character I was like, “Oh, he’s gonna be this character now and by the end of the movie he’s gonna be that character”, and that’s exactly what happened.  But doesn’t mean he wasn’t awesome.  He was great; he was like the best part other than ‘Jerry’ the vampire.

“Hey”

‘Fright Night’s’ kinda like if the movie ‘Lost Boys’ had a lovechild with ‘Rear Window’.  That’s pretty much ‘Fright Night’.  So I would say if you’re a vampire fan; you’re looking for a vampire movie that’s just old school vampire law and does vampires justice – ‘Fright Night’, dude.  It’s a good time; no alcohol required.  I would say the only thing bad about the movie is the timing.  It should come out at Halloween, but if it came out at Halloween, it’d get stomped by ‘Paranormal Activity’.  But if it came out in the beginning of summer so it’d be out on Blu-Ray by the time Halloween comes out, it’d get stomped by all the other summer movies.  So it comes out in August – too early for Halloween; too late to come out on Blu-Ray.  By the time Halloween comes out.  Poor ‘Fright Night’.  But it’s a good vampire movie; go see it.  It does vamps justice.  So who was your favourite vampire character of any vampire movie ever?  Comment below; let me know who it is.  And, as always, if you like what you’ve seen here and you wanna see more – or if you think my voice is awesomely raspy and sexy – *clears throat* click right here to see more!”

Saturday 20 August 2011

YouTube Transcriptions: JeremyJahns's 'Final Destination 5'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7TOlOuw5hw&feature=channel_video_title


"“I’ll see ya soon.”  I love that guy.

‘Final Destination 5’:  All right, it’s really funny about ‘Final Destination’ movies.  I think you can watch my review of ‘The Final Destination’, or ‘Final Destination 4’, and whatever I said in there probably applies to this movie.  But in ‘Final Destination 5’ there’s gonna be a big disaster; it’s a bridge this time that collapses.  One generic kid gets a vision of the whole thing and tells everyone to scram off the bridge.  The ones that get off the bridge, they live; everyone else dies, and now… “Death’s coming for you.”  But as for ‘Final Destination 5’, once again Death is pissed off that he’s been cheated out of eight souls, so now he’s sequentially killing them off – in glorious manner.  And let’s face it – this movie exists for one thing: the deaths.  Which, I’m not gonna lie, in terms of ‘Final Destination 5’, if I were to work on this movie or something, there are two jobs that I would want.  One, the guy that has to think up all the weird-ass mouse trap-style deaths.  That is the guy with imagination right there.  Probably a pretty fun job, too.  And admit it, you think of that s*** too.  AND the casting director.  I think the casting director in this movie has the easiest job ever.   Because here’s how you cast a ‘Final Destination’ movie: you take the names of all the hopeful waiters in L.A, put them all in a hat, draw eight names out – you now have your cast for ‘Final Destination’.  Done.  “I’ll see ya soon.”  Other than the boss from ‘Waiting’ and that guy from, you know, a hundred other Comedies, the most recognisable face in this movie is not even his face you recognise!  He looks like a young Tom Cruise impersonator; that’s why you recognise him.  Yeah, not Tom Cruise.  Tom Cruise impersonator.  Now, as for the deaths in this movie, some of them are really cool; some of them are…deyuh.  Some of them just kinda fell short.  There were a couple that had really good build-up and then in the end, gravity killed ’em.  I mean, at first it was like, “OK, it’s starting to get elaborate”, and in the end, it was just a fall.  ’Cause nothing beats the second one – log through the face!  Just beautiful.  I’m feelin’ pretty morbid right now, but it’s probably my favourite ‘Final Destination’ death.  As for the 3D, it was garbage.  I didn’t think the 3D looked good at all.  The depth of field was crap; it was blurry in some scenes.  It’s just, no.  It had a lot of 3D gimmicks of course, like poles going through people’s bodies and there, you know, just doing that whole thing where it pops out at ya.  That being said, the 3D still looked like crap.  Because I am done with the whole movie theatre gimmick at this point.  The moment I saw ‘4D Aroma-Scope’…done.  And when I was watching the movie, I was like, “They should just make a montage of just all the deaths in ‘Final Destination’”.  Sure enough!  End credits come, montage of all the deaths from the other four movies.  Made my day; coolest part of the movie right there.  It’s like I felt the love from the movie at that point; it was like Valentine’s Day.  So it has the acting you expect; it has the people you expect; it has the hot chicks you expect.  It has the deaths you kind of expect, but you kinda get disappointed also.  Some are really cool; some disappointing.  In the end, this movie will probably be a good time when you’re drunk.  “Yeahh, now it’s a party!  …I can’t feel my face.”   I say when, not if, ’cause you know you’re gonna go to this movie hammered.  But be respectful to your movie theatre crew and…don’t puke in the aisles.  So what is your favourite movie death in any movie ever?  Not just ‘Final Destination’, but any movie ever.  You can do ‘Final Destination’ and any movie ever if you want.  For me it’s gotta be ‘Jason X’ – *****y movie, awesome death.  There’s a sink of liquid nitrogen; ‘Jason’ takes the girl’s head and puts her head in the liquid nitrogen, and the camera’s looking up from the bottom of the sink and you see her just scream, and then her face freezes… then he just pulls her head out and just smashes it on the counter.  Coolest death everrr.  Whatever it is, comment below; let me know!  And, as always, if you like what you’ve seen and you wanna see more, click right here to see more!"

YouTube Transcriptions



Here to transcribe videos for folks hard of hearing.

Last night I learnt about YouTube's option to transcribe [certain] videos; the concept of which is marvellous, the function of which is not.  The feature combines Google's automatic speech recognition with YouTube's caption system.  The problem with this is the trouble the speech recognition seems to have with accents. Either with accents, or it's just really bad at recognising speech. The first video I watched using this feature was 'Spy Kids 4D movie review', by the relatively well-known YouTube film critic 'JeremyJahns' (link below). (I, er, wanted to know if it's as bad as it sounds...) This is what I read in the first forty seconds:

Yet this like my friend that reveal still image the great allergy attack two thousand lovin I'll ever had to go through this again I watched by kids for... kunal. By kids for all the time in the world for fathers meticulous why didn't get to experience the forty aroma scope scratch and sniff bull**** however if I really wanted my scratch and sniff card bad enough I could probably find a securities stuck to some kids p_t_ in 1989 if you guys don't know what that is apparently when you go and watched by kids for me it has no scratches newspaper that has numbers on it when the numbers blank on the screen on the movie describes that numbers in it if mary there you go you're supposed to like smell with this mail...”

If I couldn't hear what was being said, I'd be thinking something along the lines of, “Wait, what? The movie starts off about an allergy attack and precise fathers who don't get to experience newspapers or scratch and sniff cards? It talks a lot about numbers... Someone called Mary likes to smell mail... And all of this is shown as still images? I think I'll give this one a miss.”. Also, that isn't just me typing after too much to drink; there really isn't any punctuation in the transcript (though, to be fair, this guy does talk pretty fast).

So, until that function gets better at recognising speech or YouTube somehow finds a way to get sign language on each video, I figured it might be helpful to some people if I subscribed certain videos. It could be that no one even views this blog...ever, but fingers crossed that this will be seen by at least one or two people who find it useful. I'm not sure yet which ones I'm going to do, but I'm thinking that it might be good to actually transcribe some of JeremyJahns' reviews (and hopefully a little better than how it's done above). 'Cause if you have trouble hearing, you may not necessarily want to buy a film without having read a review (suuure, you could read it elsewhere, but...yeah, OK). Aaand I may as well start with the film we can assume isn't really about a girl sniffing her mail:


Yep, just like my Fright Night review I'm still amidst the great allergy attack 2011. However, if I had to go through this again or watch 'Spy Kids 4', I don't know! 'Spy Kids 4D: All the Time in the World'. So I saw this movie early, so I didn't get to experience the 4D Aroma-Scope scratch and sniff bull****.  However, if I really wanted my scratch and sniff card bad enough, I could probably find it securely stuck to some kid's PT in 1989. If you guys don't know what that is, apparently when you go and watch 'Spy Kids 4', you get this little scratch and sniff sticker that has numberson it. When the numbers blink on the screen on the movie, you scratch that number and sniff, and there, there ya go – you're supposed to like, smell what they smell. But every time it happens in the movie, it's almost like the scene is the by-product of the idea of aroma scope. It was like they were like, “All right, we need to design these little jokes and make these little shots and make these moments and scenes in this movie so we can have scratch and sniff stickers”. It's bull****; it's like the 'Star Wars' prequels where you look at it and you're like, “Yeah, Luke has made the pod race scene so we can make like 28 video games about it”. Which is funny, because when I saw 4D Aroma-Scope, I thought one thing: 'Human Centipede 2', baby. Which apparently Robert Rodriquez thought also, 'cause there are moments in here – I swear to you – the baby s***s his pants and it tells you, “Oh, scratch number six”. Why would I wanna smell that? That's like when you pull something outta the fridge and you're like, “Oh, dude, smell that”. No! Why would I...?! No. And that's pretty much half the humour of 'Spy Kids 4'. If I see one more s***, fart, or ass joke, I'm actually gonna snap. So when 'Spy Kids 4', the clock master or time master, whoever...Jeremy Piven, is speeding up time so everyone's losing time, so now they gotta stop him. Which is funny 'cause, yeah, Jeremy Piven and Joel McHale are in this movie, so at what point were Jeremy Piven and Joel McHale were like, “You know what? We got stuff going for us, let's be in Spy Kids 4”? “That's a good career move, right?” There's no need, no need to do that. Well, in any case, two new kids become new spy kids and now they all gotta, you know, stop the bad guy. But! The chick from the original 'Spy Kids' movie – she's in here, she's all grown up, she's hot now. That's always cool; when you haven't seen some kid actor for like a decade and then you see her again; you're like, “Aw, dude, she's hot now”. Awesome. Which is funny because I haven't seen the old 'Spy Kids' movies for like ten years. I saw them like once. But I remember walkin' outta them going, “Oh, OK, yeah, those are fun family movies”. This is not like that; this is just really stupid. I remember watching and liking a selection of stuff when I was a kid. I don't remember any of them insulting the intelligence of children. Some of them are, you know, I couldn't watch them now. But, rest assured, if I did watch them now, I'd be like, “Oh, that's cool for kids”. Like, when I was a kid, I recognised – 'Ninja Turtles 3' was not good. It didn't happen. Ever. 'G.I. Joe' apparently failed the world because I never joined the army, so the propaganda didn't work. 'Transformers' – still cool – you get it! 'Spy Kids', just...no. I went into this movie hoping for a fun family movie; I walked out going, “Kids are actually gonna get dumber from this movie”. It's sad, but it's a truth. So would this movie be a good time if you're drunk? “No, I'm trashed; I st-still hate it.” Then it looks like 'Spy Kids 4D Aroma-Scope: All the Time in the World' is E = MC dogs***! I feel like I have just violated physics itself using Einstein's theory of relativity in the rating for this movie. I apologise, Albert. Won't happen again. For the sake of them not making another 'Spy Kids' movie, don't watch this movie. Why would you do that to your kids? Like, take your kids to see this movie if they really screw up. Like if little Billy slaps little Sally in the head, be like, “You know what? Now you're watching 'Spy Kids 4' and you're gonna have to smell the baby's little *****y diaper when it tells you to scratch and sniff number six”. Billy won't do that again. Why did I watch this movie and why am I reviewing it? One simple reason: to p*** off everyone who says, “Jeremy, you need to review 'The Smurfs'!” I guess I'm a d***; it's fine. I can say that, because I have to fly down to California like at three in the morning, I might not get the 'Conan' review up until like Tuesday. So I'm sorry about that. It's not like I watched this in place of 'Conan'; I wouldn't be able to watch 'Conan' until tonight anyway. So it's just, it's just time. But if you like what you've seen here and you wanna see more, click right here to see more!”

Swearing blocked juuust in case this gets any younger viewers.