"‘Killer Elite’ – based on a true story. ‘Dolphin Tales’ – based on a true story. ‘Moneyball’ – based on a true. ‘Abduction’! Not at all based on a true story, but Taylor Lautner is not a good actor, and that is a true story.
‘Abduction’: So ‘Abduction’ stars Taylor Lautner from ‘Twilight’ and he’s doing this high school project with this hot neighbour chick, and then he sees on a website this - one of those rendered photos where it’s like, “Oh, this kid may look like this now as a missing kid” and he looks just like him! And then secrets unfold… Now I’m gonna start this by touching on the statement I made on the intro to this video: Taylor Lautner’s not a good actor; he’s just not. It’s almost like Taylor Lautner’s either so stoic he has no emotion, or he has too much. Like he’s all like *facial expression*. Or she says something and he’s like, “We can’t…there’s no time”. Yep, it’s just like that. I think Taylor Lautner would be a good stunt man. It’s like, “Oh, OK, yeah, I’ll jump off buildings for the actors instead; that’d be fun”. ’Cause he’s a strong dude; he’s got the physique for it. Taylor Lautner, just be a stuntman. For us…to not have to watch your movies. The thing about this movie is, it tries to be so cool; it tries to be so special, like, “Oh, this is a really cool premise; we’re gonna pull it off like this”. And it is kind of an interesting premise, but it doesn’t have any good acting to back it up. It’s a high school version of ‘Enemy of the State’. Just watch ‘Enemy of the State’; it’s like a million more times relevant than ‘Abduction’. All the good actors in this movie aren’t big parts in the movie. Alfred Molina is in it; he’s a good actor. Jason Isaacs is in it – this guy is one of my favourite actors from like 2002 from when he was really just climbing. I was like, “Dude, you’re the bad guy in ‘The Patriot’ – you are badass!” And now he’s a small part in ‘Abduction’. It’s like, ‘Lucius Malfoy’ – I realise that Harry Potter’s over now, but you don’t have to backslide so much. The neighbour chick is hot. I don’t know who she is, but she’s hot. Jason Isaacs even says it. He’s like, “Oh, yeah, I knew her when she was a kid… She’s kinda hot now”. Maria Bello’s in it. She looks good for as old as she is. If I was ever dumb enough to get married, I would hope my wife would look like Maria Bello when she was her age. And I know that Taylor Lautner was a wrestler in high school and he’s athletic and all that, but how does he get so agile that he’s like jumping off of fences and beams and he’s all acting like he’s a spy? Like, he’s had this training all his life; he hasn’t. Jason Isaacs would spar with him – I get that, so he knows how to fight. But that doesn’t mean you know how to do half the other crap you’ve been doing. Genetic memory, maybe? I don’t know. I didn’t care about the villain; I didn’t care about the good guys – I mean, some of the spy stuff had a good concept behind it, but I’ve seen it done a hundred times better in a hundred other things. In a story arc in a movie like this, the main guy and the main girl are gonna be alone about half-way through the movie. And they’re gonna start talking about stuff and relating to each other. We get that, right? How do they do it in this movie? By having her be like, “Remember that time in Junior High? Why didn’t you ask me out at the beginning of the year?” At that point, I was like [singing], “High school is such a serious thing! These problems matter”. I can’t even sing for s***, but that’s the song that came to my mind and it fit perfectly. This is ‘Enemy of the State’ in high school on the CWA network. “Why didn’t you ask me out at the beginning of the year?” And not even as good as that. In the end, this movie would be a good time…if you’re looking for a high school spy movie and you’re drunk. “Yeahh, now it’s a party and we’re spies!” So, your favourite spy movie villain – what’s your favourite? Comment below; let me know. And, as always, if you like what you’ve seen here and you wanna see more, click right here to see more!"
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