“I’m back from California and my first act: go see ‘Conan’. I got nothin’.
‘Conan the Barbarian’ or ‘Conan the Barbarian’, whatever. I’m gonna call it ‘Conan’, whatever. Conan’s pretty straight-forward; there’s this really evil guy doing evil guy things and Conan’s gonna stop him. That description – more coherent than the actual movie. I dunno what it is about this movie; it seems like a really s****y video game movie that never happened. To be specific, it’s the ‘Zelda’ movie that never happened, and I’m glad it didn’t. There’s a really evil ambitious guy who’s really nobody in the world, and he makes an impression on this really fearless kid when he’s really young. Flash forward years later – the really ambitious guy is now a really ambitious warlord. He’s more powerful ’n’ all that. And the fearless kid is now a fearless man. And ‘Ganondorf’ over here is looking for this really pure chick so he can like do his evil things and rule the world. I’m telling you, guys, a gamer wrote this movie who doesn’t know how to write movies. I mean, the plot and pacing is just all over the place! It does what I hate, and I’ve b****ed about it before, is that ever scene in this movie’s an isolated scene; it doesn’t lead into the next scene. I mean, they’ll be in a town; next scene they’re in captivity; next scene they’re on a boat; next scene they’re in the woods. It’s just…arghh. As for ‘Conan’ the character, I thought he was all right, but I don’t know that Conan’s actually a Barbarian. I really don’t. I have seen the actor who plays ‘Conan’ in a Barbarian role. He was called ‘Drogo’ in ‘Game of Thrones’. That was a Barbarian. Seeing him in this,’s like, “All right, well you’re just a likable guy that they want to be a Barbarian, but you’re not a Barbarian”. If ‘Conan the Barbarian’ strolled into my territory in 'Civilization 5', I’d be like, “You know what? You’re all right. You’re a Barbarian and I’m not gonna wipe you out. In fact, I’m not gonna go into the options and turn Barbarians off ’cause I like you”. …I don’t know. And the chick in this movie is like the dumbest character ever. I always liked the actress – I don’t know why; maybe it’s because she’s hot – but she’s always in these s****y movies that I know she’s better than that. I hope. All right, here it is; one of the many scenes I have a problem with in this movie: ‘Conan the Barbarian’ goes onto this beach (and, you know, they’re docked at a cliff or somethin’). She chases after him; next scene they start making out and they’re in this random cabin, with a convenient pile of hay on the ground that they can bang on. Where’d this cabin come from, seriously? And, after that, this woman is the most wanted woman on Earth by the bad guys. If the bad guys get her, it’s done; it’s over. She does the thing where she sneaks out of the cabin without waking him up; runs on the beach; next scene she’s in the middle of the woods. Not on the beach woods, but, like, you know, Nottingham Forest woods. And of course she gets captured, which she’d think was gonna happen. And I-I don’t even know about the end fight. I mean, earthquakes are happening; Conan’s throwing down with ‘Ganondorf’. And then earthquakes aren’t happening and the place isn’t crumbling and then it is again and it’s not. Ever play ‘Smoke and Fire’ with cards? You know, like, “Smoke, smoke, fire”. It’s like someone did that to the storyboard of ‘Conan the Barbarian’. They’re like, “All right, we’re gonna play the movie out as it is on the ground”. That’s not a joke; I think that actually happened. Is ‘Conan the Barbarian’ dogs***? Yeah. It is. Why’d I sound like Mark Wahlberg just then? And the 3D is converted 3D; I heard it was actually 3D – that they shot it in 3D – but I was watching it and I was like, “No, it’s not”. Then I looked into it and sure enough, it is not. Reason 151, it’s ‘Slash of the Titans, Part 2’. So don’t see it. Why would you? See ‘The Help’; see ‘Fright Night’; see Apes. In any case, if you like what you’ve seen here and you wanna see more, click right here to see more! Why’d I look like Nicolas Cage when I did that? “In any…” I-I dunno.”
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